Today is of course our favorite post to write each year, when we recognize those politicians who have reached truly exceptional heights in being utter embarrassments to themselves, their supporters, and the American people. The winner will join our current wall of champions:
Donald Trump, for being Donald Trump.
Theresa May, for deciding in true British fashion that it was quite improper for her to have such a secure majority.
Mike Flynn, for being the world’s worst International Man of Mystery.
Dana Rohrabacher, for his failure to realize that things end badly in every spy movie for the guy who sells out to Russia.
Kelli Ward, for being a doctor without showing any shred of human decency.
Jeff Flake, for living up to his name and torching his own political career by trying to be a decent man in American politics in the year 2017. Forget it, Flake. It’s Idiocracy.
Bruce Rauner, for his year of playing Wile E. Coyote to Boss Madigan’s Roadrunner.
Bill O’Neill, for giving us incredible TMI about his sexual exploits. Bill, haven’t you heard the saying that what happens in the barn stays in the barn?
Tom Marino, for his Schrodingerian ability to be both nominated and not nominated for Drug Czar.
Bo Dietl, for, despite all the material against the incumbent, going after Mayor DeBlasio for… being tall? I don’t think this will help him extend his Arby’s endorsement deal.
Los Angeles City Council candidate Joe Bray-Ali, for showing us that behind every racist internet troll is a #woke SJW hipster.
Raul Bocanegra, Wes Goodman, Jeff Hoover, Jack Latvala, Steve Lebsock, Bryce Marlatt, Anthony Mendoza, and Ralph Shortey, for bringing disgrace to state legislatures from coast to coast with their miscellaneous perversions.
The Preston Brooks Award for excellence in physical combat goes to Greg Gianforte for slightly misunderstanding the concept of what it means to have an adversarial press.
The O. J. Simpson Award for best acting in a criminal trial defense goes to Bob Menendez for convincing most of his jury that it’s, like, totally normal for Senators to pull strings on behalf of their Medicare-defrauding friends in exchange for expensive gifts that may or may not include Caribbean hookers.
The Boss Tweed Award for machine boss of the year goes to Bob Brady, for paying his former opponent $90K for “polling data” despite holding a totally safe seat. He might have a price gouging complaint to make.
The Adam Clayton Powell Jr. Award for world traveling goes to Tom Price for using his three months as HHS secretary to rack up the frequent flier miles while utterly failing at doing anything related to reforming healthcare. Price was the front runner for Turkey of the Year until everything went crazy these last few weeks!
The Debbie Wasserman-Schultz Award for most incompetent electoral manipulation goes to Steve Bannon for being Steve Bannon.
The Jeb Bush Award for wasting donor money goes to Jon Ossoff, for wasting a lot of national Democratic money that, unfortunately, could not buy him any actual life accomplishments or a House in the district.
The Martha Coakley-Hillary Clinton Award for overall campaign incompetence goes to Luther Strange, for managing to go from crusading AG to a caricature of a Beltway insider in six months, then carpet-bombing ads nuking a perfectly good opponent for once being skeptical of Trump, only to lose in the runoff to a walking oppo research gold mine.
The Rod Blagojevich Award for mishandling of a Senate appointment goes to Robert Bentley, whose attempt to cover up his own affair by giving Strange something f*ing golden blew up on both of them, but is looking positively quaint scandal-wise by years’ end.
The Massachusetts Democratic Party Award for mishandling of a Senate special election goes to Kay Ivey, whose political gymnastics in trying to clean up Bentley’s mess has led her to advocate voting for someone she thinks is a child molester.
The Bill Clinton Award for philandering had many strong contenders this year, but because most of its top contenders are also finalists for the grand prize, we are awarding it to Tim Murphy for adding an exception to his “pro-life” views for mistresses of Congressmen.
The Dan Quayle Award for gaffe of the year goes to Chris Christie. Of course he didn’t get any sun on that closed beach. He had a hat on.
And now…flip over for our prestigious Turkey of the Year award. This year it is being combined with our Anthony Weiner Pervert of the Year Award.